Can you spare some sperm?

Why when a woman asks a man this question does the conversation suddenly becomes one sided? Spare some sperm? No strings attached? Yet I have been asked a similar question by mostly all men that I have encountered, spare some sex? No strings attached? Wow what a double standard. You would think that the offer of no strings attached = signing your p...arental rights away, would some how ease the question through. Unfortunately this does the opposite, spare some sperm? No strings attached has actually offended this male's ego. I don't want nothing more from you but your time and your sperm, a hard blow? I think not, for men could care less about how wrong it is to damage a woman's ego and her emotional well being when they have the nerve to approach a woman by either up front honesty to blatant disregard with phony  intentions just to "get some". The difference, I guess would be the thought that they could possibly have a child out there somewhere with someone they actually know. Unlike the sperm donors whose only interactions are with a clerk, a magazine, short porno film, and a cup. Like most women my age reaching that age limit of 35, I have come to grips, a hard reality blow that my goal to achieve something like having one more child is much more reachable than actually finding the guy "right for me" for I have complete control besides fertility issues to achieving that goal. When meeting a guy that I like based on characteristics, personality and looks I'm never thinking, he could be my soul mate but more on the lines of "he would make a great sperm donor". LOL

Open Communicaion

Being able to communicate with anyone open and freely without being criticized seems to be the most centered position for a lot of our issues in life. We are afraid to conquer those silent demons that we hold back until in one moment they come out in a shouting match. Holding your feelings inside without expressing them will keep you in a dark plac...e for a long time. Especially if those feelings are towards someone else. You are walking around with thoughts and feelings that you are fearful of saying out loud but behind closed doors you secretly express these feelings with someone other than the person they are meant to be expressed too. How convenient? How helpful that is? You have gained agreement with someone else, bringing them to your side call it a grudge within a circle. All the while you haven't been man and or woman enough to talk to the person about how you feel.

Growing up I had no one to talk to. I thought that openly expressing myself through my writings, keeping a daily journal would help me release some of the stresses in my life. Now as an adult and being a mom, I wonder if all of those bottled up feelings doesn't somehow come out through other ways that has led to a form of resentment on my end overwhelming my daughter. Forcing her to express herself through enraged emotions in order to feel like she's being heard. Regardless if you feel as if you are doing everything you possibly can to be a good parent, the observer - your child, children may see you totally different. As a parent could we take that criticism with a positive approach?

In my circle of relationships, I can admit that I tend to have a fiery passion to want to debate through expressing my feelings. Not listening, over talking, and shutting down are all character traits I have.  These are also the same traits of my daughter, not a good combo. When two people share the same personality the end result- someone will feel unappreciated, and unheard. Such as my daughter. I never wanted to be the type of parent whom would raise a child, based on the traditional sense of you do it this way because I told you so, don't ask questions, you need to be seen not heard. I hated this when growing up because it immediately made me feel that I didn't have a voice. And I needed to shout out my feelings. So I didn't want this for my child and or the children I would raise. I wanted to go into this relationship, being the type of mom that my daughter could be free to discuss her issues with. To not be fearful to tell me the most important issues she deals with that would affect her as well as our relationship. So I openly discussed everything that went on with me, from childhood to current issues I have now. Mistake on my part?, maybe maybe not. The only mistake would be that we wouldn't be able to move on and grow from our experiences.

One of our complex issues which I swept under a rug a long time ago was the absence of my daughter having a father. I mean she has my granddad my brother but these aren't the men that has made the type of impact on her life as would a positive father figure. For my relationships with the men in my life aren't as strong and my daughter has witnessed the constant tear in those relationships such as the instability. I didn't realize that her expressions of how she felt about her father were hidden behind the words of "I don't care, I don't think about it, etc..." As a young woman I can only imagine how you would feel growing up and not being accepted by the man who helped make you and to know of this would devastate any young girl. I can put myself in her shoes and feel the despair and I know that if she doesn't seek counseling for her pain, her anger, her disappointment she will live a life of having problems with every man she meets in her adult life.

For the last few years or so this was approaching, in the beginning I was blinded by it but now its clear and even though I can reassure her that she can talk to me, I can't hold promise that being the imperfect person I can sometimes be won't backfire on her coming to me about her problems and being able to respond to her the way she wants me too. My faults has been to have consumed all of my life activities around my daughter. Being to close where I couldn't step away. Living with my sister for as long as I did was another fault, one can't be a parent with others being involved that doesn't necessarily share in some of the same parenting beliefs that you do. Stopping my life as far as dating because of my own past and not allowing myself to date long term whereas she could have been raised in a "normal" family setting so she calls it. "We aren't normal" she says. The shock slaps me in my face. So this is it, this is why you are so angry, on top of you thinking I don't hear you, your older aunt likes your youngest aunt more than you. So these are just some of the bottled up feelings you have been carrying around with you, and I wonder for how long and then think does it matter? I just need to get to repairing this relationship. Relocating to a different city, state so no outside influence would be a factor was my first thought of choice, which I am working on at this very moment TRANSFER please! Who knows this may assist with all that has transpired- regardless I have to do whatever it takes. I am a parent, her mother so its my job.
 

A Single Mom's Sacrifice

Ok so my daughter argues with me, she has to have the last word in everything. One little thing said that makes her feel insecure and belittled she fights back. She's just like me, I had so much anger built up inside of me when I was her age, me and my father had rage battles for days at every angle and I was the start of them all. I can't even begin to tell you what I was doing and thinking at age 12, it was horrible. All i have to say is that I am damn lucky that my daughter is not in the same category. A little confession, I've made her the way she is, Hello! I've surrounded my life around her, my world revolves around her. That could be looked at as a bad thing and a good thing, for me it works out for me. Of course sometimes I let her dish it out, and at other times I'm at her like white on rice. That's me being the parent I am, hell I wasn't given a damn manual on how to raise a child. She has grown up with me in her ear constantly, I talk to her more than I talk to anyone else. This didn't just start, imagine 12 years of adult conversation, with a child? Imagine me asking her "what should I do?" and or telling her my future, my plans, my goals and asking her first before I make a move. We debate like a married couple, and I have jokingly stated before that she's "my husband, my wife" whatever. A sacrifice I've made, and I call it that because I don't see it so much as being a terrible situation. She's an honor roll student, she's a leader in her own world, she listens to me when I talk to her about peer pressure, sex, drugs and being a follower and stereotype in this society. I know she follows this guidance, because I listen to her conversations with her friends, she's who I wasn't strong enough to be when I was growing up. I didn't have the talks with ANYONE, my mom died when I was 10 and my sister being the oldest never talked to me about boys,drugs and sex, peer pressure etc...of course that wasn't her job and regardless I didn't have what my daughter has. She loves school, I hated school, I wanted a boyfriend at her age, she talks about her school projects and her interactions with her teachers. I was the total opposite. I can't go back and change how I decided to parent my child, it is what it is. The clay  has been molded, there's no turning back now. My sacrifice my worries. I know our bond, it may not be what you deem to be good parenting skills, or what you would allow from "your child' if you had one, but she's my child, not yours. Embarrassing? no I don't think so, I wasn't but I guess you believe that I should be, but I'm not and that's exactly my point. You see because that's not embarrassing to me, what would be embarrassing to me is if my child couldn't come talk to me, but relied on her friends instead. What would be embarrassing to me would be my child running off with her friends and following behind them, doing as they did and following them down the wrong paths. Bottom line, I can't fault her for my actions as a parent. I am the controller it begins and ends with me

Dear Cupid

Is it truly so hard to find someone that you are immediately attracted to by the chemistry of the auroa that surrounds you? Someone that shares in your likes and dislikes...someone that at first glance you know they are the one, the one that you wouldn't mind holding hands with while taking a stroll in the park, talking for hours on end about any and everything. That gravitational pull that reels you in like a cosmic wave. Hearing the bells, butterflies in your stomach to see the smile at the curve of their lips as their eyes stare into yours and in that moment... silence, and pure bliss. You're on cloud nine all the time, floating through time and space. They are always on your mind and because of that your days go by as easy and free no worries no stress. The mere thought of them sends excitement whirling through your veins. You've stepped into a fairytale...and that's just what it is a freaking fairytale. A footstep out of the real world into another universe the world of strange and unrealistic hopes and desires that gets you no where but a round trip and free flight into a bitter world of frustration and aggravation. 3 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years a roller coaster ride that you can't step off from. You're on it for life, your destiny, don't believe the hype, the hope of something special that awaits you if you hold on for dear life, and pray that you will soon get off, catch your breath and pray that once you start vomiting all over the place that it will soon end. For all of the bullshit that you are being fed about happy endings, everyone has a soulmate. Those are just fairy tales, stories you read in childhood books about princesses and princes in magic realms. This is reality, give up dreaming of your happy ending and storybook life of meeting the one that you can't live without that you will love for the rest of your life and grow old together with... There's a reason why women outnumber men, there's a reason why the divorce rate in this country is always as high as the gas prices on a weekend. That fairytale bullshit you keep feeding us is for the Birds!


Yours Truly

~Miss Fat, emotionally needy, bitter, nice nasty Bitch~